Šestka vlevo dole

Sedím v čekárně u zubaře. Moje šestka vlevo dole se v prach obrátila. Zůstal  jen kráter. Jakési memento všech na ní rozkousaných oříšků a bonbonů.  Čekám již dvě hodiny. Potřebovala bych nějak zabít čas a hlavně odvést myšlenky od nevyhnutelné budoucí bolesti na křesle. Beru si tedy ze stolku časopis……hned první článek mě zaujme:

„Děti si můžeme představit jako zrcadla, která odrážejí naši lásku, ale samy ji nevytvářejí….“. „….Jestliže jim projevujeme lásku, ony ji vracejí. Když ji neprojevujeme, nemohou ji ani vracet….“

Opírám si hlavu o zeď a poslouchám symfonii vrtačky. Pořád ale musím nad přečteným přemýšlet. Je to stejné, jako když někdo přede mnou zazpívá „…nonstop, já chci žít nonstop…“ to pak mám taky zaručeně na zbytek dne vystaráno.  Nemůžu si pomoci, ale jsem přesvědčená, že moje děti (tedy spíše Martínek) rozhodně mé láskyplné projevy nezrcadlí.

Nebylo ale tomu tak vždycky. Ještě před nástupem do školky mi Marťa častokrát lichotil. Zvláštní bylo, že mi u toho vždy vykal….“Maminko, vy máte tak pěkné bledé tvářičky když spinkáte“, „Maminko, vy máte tak krásné vlasy a ret“….lapala jsem jeho lichotky jako mucholapka bzučivý hmyz a naivně si myslela, že to bude takové až do skonání věků….nebo alespoň toho mého.

Pak ale nastala doba temna. Marťa nastoupil do školky. Již třetí den mi oznámil, že jsem stará a měla bych se odstěhovat. On by si na uvolněné místo přivedl domů Káju. Milujou se. Vyschlo mi v hrdle, orosilo se čelo a zvlhly dlaně. Připravovala jsem se v duchu již několikrát na situaci, kdyby v budoucnu od Marti či Toma příšel coming out…..ale tohle bylo přeci jen nějak divně brzy. Navíc mě požádal, abych – před svým vystěhováním se – koupila nějaký pěkný zubní kartáček pro nového člena domácnosti. Tady už ale narazil. Má tolerance má své hranice.

Druhý den jsem naštěstí zjistila, že Kája je vlastně Karolína. V očích jsem měla slzy radosti a hned zakoupila ten nejdražší kartáček, co v drogerii měli. Jenže další týden miloval Danušku, pak Lauru. Téměř každý týden jiná láska, pro kterou vždy nekompromisně požadoval nový zubní kartáček (byť tamten byl nepoužit). Když mi pak jednou večer – před usnutím – prozradil, že až bude velký, bude povoláním „dívač na cácorky“… přestala jsem kupovat drahé Colgate kartáčky a posunula se při svém výběru o metr dál. Tam, kde v regálu byly  levné české Spokary.

Tuhle se ale Martínek přeci jen ke mně přitulil a vlepil mi snad pět pusinek. Zaplavil mě pocit bezmezného štěstí a nehynoucí lásky. Obejmula jsem jej tedy a políbila na čelo a tváře. V tu chvíli z něj ale vypadlo: „Fuj, tati, ať mě ta holka nevolizuje. Pojď si pro ni.“ 

Ani sklouznutí se po stěně Macochy nemůže být tak prudké a strmé, jako byl můj sešup z růžového obláčku mateřské lásky a něhy. Takže ano, moje děti (respektive to jedno) zrcadlí. Ale tak nějak divně…… jakoby…… obráceně?!

V tom slyším z ordinace pokyn k vypláchnutí úst. Vzápětí zazní ode dveří  „Další prosím.“

Zdvihám se, vcházím dovnitř, a popisuji svůj problém. Doktor jen hvízdne, když vidí, co zůstalo z původního zubu. Injekce žádná, bolest hrozná. Za půl hodiny klopýtám ven. Potkávám kamarádku (dělá do karet, bylinek, andělů a……. mého souseda). Líčím ji právě prožité peklo. Zamyslí se, a pak z ní vypadne, že lidem, kterým odejde tento konkrétní zub, chybí láska.

Po příchodu domů tedy hned ode dveří halasím, že chci sonet a pusu, nebo že si najdu milence. Že  prostě potřebuji vnést trochu lásky do svého života. Reakce? Vlastně žádná. Martínek dál čmáral fixou po gauči, Tomík neustával ve své snaze strčit si kostičku lega do nosu a Martin (můj partner), mě sjel pohledem a dodal: „A vážně si myslíš, že by Tě v tomhle věku a po dvou dětech ještě někdo chtěl?“

Vlastně je s podivem, že se mi v tomto rodinném klimatu doposud zbortila JEN ta šestka vlevo dole………

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